Friday, January 16, 2009

Did I say that?

As boring as my daily life may be, I've always jumped into everything I've done with both feet and no regrets. I have the junk piles, pet hair, book shelves and marriage certificate to prove it.

Once I decide to do something, I do it. Whether it's a short term project or a lifelong commitment, I rarely question my decisions. I think it's because I've always felt complete control over the outcome.
If my kids become dumb adults, it's because I screwed up. If the car I insisted on purchasing breaks down, it's because I didn't nag the husband hard enough to take it to the mechanic. If I pay full price for frozen waffles, I'm a moron.

I know I can avoid or fix the pitfalls of my choices. Usually.

When I think about my regrets in life, I don't come up with things I've done, but I do come up with plenty of things that I've said. My mouth and my hands don't always keep pace with my brain. With words being as powerful as they are, that can be messy.

I don't read through my previous blog posts because I'll spend weeks fixating on the worst parts- even if I were to delete them. I'll still know that people read them and that I can't wipe their brains clean. Instead, I just try to keep writing for myself and figure people are reading because they really want to, not because they're laughing at me. I'm still in control.

Recently, I relinquished control over some words. At the time, it sounded like a great idea. I jumped in. It felt good.
But now I'm freaking out. What if those words are received the same way my many foot-in-mouth moments have been? What if they're so transparent that people are able to see what a novice I am? Or worse, what if the actual message is disputed- and disputed well?

Nope, I won't start having regrets already. I still own my thoughts and my words. I can't control what others think of them. If I did, what would be the point of sharing them, anyway?

Maybe I'm not quite as much of a control freak as I thought I was.

Speaking of words, H just told me she's sweating her ass off.
No, I'm definitely not a complete control freak!


Janet said...

I always enjoy reading your words. They seem intelligent and well thought out (and usually funny). Everyone dislikes some of their writing when they go back through it. I think your policy of moving forward and not re-reading your writing makes good sense!

PearlsOfSomething said...

Your check is in the mail! ;-)

Amy said...

Aside from a quick once-over to make sure I spelled everything correctly, I don't reread my stuff, either. You're fine. :)