Sunday, November 16, 2008

Try this at home. Or don't. Whatever

Right now, I would like to both hug and strangle my maniacs.

Well, not right now. They are sleeping, so the strangling thing isn't all that intense. And if I hug them, they'll likely wake up and we'll restart the whole want-to-strangle-them cycle, which is something I'd like to avoid until at least 6:30am tomorrow.

My kids rock, but they make me pay for it.

H has decided Mommy needs a spa vacation. A 5-day spa vacation. This morning, she offered me her Tooth Fairy dollar to finance the trip. The kind of moment a parent lives for, right?

I pay for these moments, dearly. The dollar was offered while I was doing 316 loads of laundry. Laundry made up of unworn clothes. Unworn clothes that became dirty when certain maniacs felt a need to bring a half-burned log into their room (from last week's fire), and then rummage through their closet to change into non-soot-covered clothes. Before thinking to wash their hands. Leaving them without non-soot-covered clothes.

My children are brilliant, yet so stupid. Wonderful, yet rotten. Most days, we break even. Think what you like. I consider that a success.

The chances of my little maniacs growing into big maniacs who hide burned up logs or old food under their marital bed are pretty darn slim. The chances of my little maniacs carrying their humor, adventurous spirits, generosity, open hearts and minds, and ability to work complicated electronics into adulthood are really good. Even if they kill me before then.

Read all the research and stats you want. Parenting is mostly a crap shoot. Great parents can produce messed up kids and crappy parents can produce amazing kids.

Like blogging. Judy sent me a link to the dos and don'ts of blogging. Feel free to read them, but it basically boils down to "Do what you want. It might work, or it might not." Like most of the choices parents make. So here is my own pointless list for parents.

Make sure you're married before having kids. Intact families produce healthier, smarter, better-behaved children.

Don't get married. Married couples are the only people at risk for divorce, and divorce negates the whole healthier, smarter, better-behaved thing.

Have a natural birth. Drugs are bad for babies.

Get the drugs. Traumatized mothers are bad for babies.

Have a large family. Cable stations will finance your lifestyle.

Have one child. You can finance your own lifestyle.

Be a working mother. Finance your lifestyle while promoting a good work ethic and proving that women can have a good chunk, if not all, of "it all."

Be a stay at home mother. Who's to say sweats and cartoons aren't a good chunk of "it all?"

Put your kids in public school. Or private school. Or homeschool them. No separate comments. They'll hate you, regardless.

Ban television. It is junk food for the mind.

Embrace television. It gives you 30 minutes to sneak away with the leftover chocolate cake before the kids can get to it.

Okay, I thought I had more than that, but I don't. I'm only 10 years into screwing up kids. Give me time.

Right now, I need to go to bed. I'm sure tomorrow will be another long day of hysterics- the good kind and the bad kind!

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